Do you ever get that feeling of complete and utter “What on earth am I suppose to do with my life?”
Well if it makes you feel any better, me too.
Last year (2016) was my last year of school. Ever.
For me this is a massive step in my life, as I’m sure it was or is going to be for many of you. It was an insanely challenging year, school wise as well as emotionally and mentally. This was mainly because I was growing into myself a lot more than I ever had in the past. We always grow and change whether we realise it or not, that’s apart of life. What made it so challenging was the fact that I was completely aware of it. I was becoming more aware that I am a person. A ‘human being’, not a ‘human doing’. This concept is very relevant to me and in my opinion many others as well. We get so caught up in all the things that ‘need’ to be done that we don’t ever stop to think, “Hey, I’m actually a person, alive and breathing. My wellbeing is most important“. Not the task that ‘has’ to be done. It’s all about putting it into perspective. As a reminder to do so, here is something my mum always told me to ask myself:
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Put the pieces together, so what if you’re late to work or school because you’re over exhausted from working so hard. If that’s the case, well then you deserve a break. Your wellbeing is not being looked after. To put it bluntly, you’re not looking after yourself well enough. Of course there are hundreds of excuses (or ‘reasons’ as we call them) as to ‘why’ we don’t look after ourselves. In the end however, we are only cheating ourselves. It’s a concept that I still struggle accepting. I still place blame unnecessarily and find ‘reasons’ to excuse not sufficiently looking after myself. But, I can tell you that once you realise it and begin to chip away at improving your awareness on you wellbeing the situation turns around.
Why I’m bringing this up is because in the beginning of 2015 I has set myself a goal to work hard and do exceptionally well in school and I was extremely excited to do so. That year consisted of:
- Eat (a lot might I add)
In saying that, I do not regret any one moment as I excelled in school, coming second in my year for academics. More importantly, I learnt about myself a lot that year. I can achieve highly. I can do what I set my mind to. An “Im-Possible” moment. At that point of time however, it did not occur to me that I was running myself into the ground. I was constantly doing extremely draining and what felt like soul-destroying things. I didn’t give myself a chance to just be so I could learn about myself and who I am.
After that labour intensive year I was excited to achieve highly in the following year, my final year. But as soon as I started I lost motivation. Something inside me had enough and just wanted me to ‘be’ that little bit more. It was extremely tough to accept the fact that deep inside I no longer wanted to work like a machine to ‘succeed’. Instead I wanted to engage in activities, such as socializing, to help me grow. In fact, I wanted to go out and acutally learn to socialize, as this was a foreign concept prior 2016. So throughout that year I struggled with acceptance but was sure that I was making the right decision. Especially now looking back on it. In saying all of that, I still worked hard in school but the level of intensity turned down a notch and instead the balance dial turned up a notch. Which don’t get me wrong was just as hard, if not harder. I can tell you now, learning to create a balance is intense but extremely rewarding.
Finally, it came to the end of the year. The most important time:
I just could not study, I was so over school. So procrastinating – a lot of procrasting – took place. Hours dwindled as I searched the web looking at things to learn which I had interest in. Things that lit up my creative side rather than my logical academic side… which had been so over used at that point. I ended up on various kinds of blogs, so for the exam period I spent lots of my time learning and planning how to make a blog, things about social media and more to do with that. It lit a fire inside of me again.
Although, I also felt a sense of guilt and disappointment because I did not stick to the ‘picture’ I planned for myself at the beginning of the year. However, the feeling of passion definitely dominated as I had found something that I couldn’t stop thinking about, I was super excited. I couldn’t sleep at night because my mind was flooding with ideas. Much like tonight… It’s exactly 12:23am and my mind is racing with so many ideas that I just had to get out my phone and write them down. One thing led to another and now I’m writing my first post. Anyway, back to my story. The year eventually ended with all exams finished despite some delays because of some earthquakes (but lets not get into that). Saying it was a relief is an understatment.
Next up, Prize Giving.
I wasn’t expecting an amazing reward as I felt like I had not worked as hard in terms of academics. But then my name was called. Not once, twice but three times throughout the ceremony. I had been awarded top of year for some subjects and other general high achievements! I was pleasantly surprised to say the least, and that was just the first of the three awards. For the second call I was awarded not one but TWO scholarships for my chosen University. Which is clearly a weight lifted off my shoulders.
The last call…
I had definitely not expected this one. Somehow I received the runner-up in academics… again! This came as a great shock. It felt like I had put in much less time, I asked myself, “How is this possible?”
It then occurred to me that just because I was more relaxed about school, had a better balance and took more time out for myself to grow did not mean that I could not ‘succeed’. I had saved so much energy on stress that I could study more efficiently and process information with more ease. It also occurred to me that by working so hard in 2015 I had learnt how to pick up information easier and learning became much easier than before.
This little story of mine goes to show just how important balance is, which is a topic I plan to research more in-depth and write a lot more on as it is something I am still working at! How do you achieve balance?
With my first post is done and dusted, hopefully I have created a successful introduction. For me this has taken a lot of courage as I’ve completely stepped out of my comfort zone in hopes of learning, growing and finding a passion. I have no idea if this comes to interest to anyone or if I am even doing this whole blogging thing right. I guess I’ll never know until I try, am I right? Have an explore around the site and get familiar as I have lots planned for the upcoming months. We can thank all that time spent procrastinating rather than studying and of course the sleepless nights. Who would’ve known I’d be so grateful to have experienced that!
Essentially, I am here in hopes that this will take me a step closer to answering the “what am I suppose to do with my life question”.
If you have any feedback or comments then please let me know down below or head over to my Contact page so I can get to know you beautiful people!